We all need them, don’t we? Holidays. Especially when things aren’t going brilliantly and you really need a break. Well, Andie and I had got to that point. Completely knackered and totally fucked off with the Great British Summer, we popped into our local travel agents and the lovely Simone booked us two weeks in Turkey for the price of a long weekend in England!
Let Joy be Unconfined, we’re flying to warmer climes and to somewhere we know – Kas. A place we spent 3 months about 10 years ago. We’ll be able to chill out, swim, read, write, paint and jump off mountains! It’s not luxury lashings but Mr Thomas Cook will get us there and put us up in a reasonable hotel and it will be warm so we won’t care.
Yeah, right.
We finally got to the hotel at 5am after a nightmare transfer in a 7 seater rust-bucket driven by a sleep-deprived psycho who didn’t seem to be too worried about going round blind bends on the wrong side of the road and who dozed off somewhere half way up a mountain just before Kalkan.
We got evils off the bloke who took our bags up to our room at the Phellos Hotel as we didn’t have any Turkish Lira to tip him with. Come On mate! It’s 5am and we ain’t been anywhere near a cash point since Wivelsfield.
So, after a few hours kip, we pottered down to the very inviting pool. Copped a couple of loungers and started making up names for the other weirdos round the pool and went for a swim. Mr Airfix did a length – OF SWIMMING, you pervs – climbed up the ladder started walking towards the fence to take in the view.
He did a comedy skid, ran on the spot for a second or 2, completely lost his balance and went arse over tit and thudded down onto his shoulder. Crunch. He screamed with pain and practically became invisible he went so pale.
I was in the pool thinking “For God’s sake, NOT on day 1!”
All of the other guests around the pool were totally aware that the tiles around the pool were lethal killers, out to get anyone who was a little unstable, tired, or just thinking how bloody excellent life is when the sun’s out. As newbies, we naively thought that the tiles around a swimming pool would be non-slip and safe. We thought the green matting was a little added extra, not something that was essential to the well-being of the hotel guests.
A guest of the hotel called a local turkish friend of hers who, angel that he was, took us to the hospital, paid for the consultation, paid for the x-rays and then drove us to 2 pharmacies to get Andie’s prescription. Huge thanks to him. What a star. The hotel staff made no effort to help Andie in any way. They just disappeared.
Hospital was sort-of hilarious. If our Turkish friend hadn’t been there we would have had no idea what was going on. There were 5 people in the room when he saw the doctor and we still have no idea who they were! Whilst Andie was waiting a chap in a white coat looked at his arm, told him he was going to be fine. Turned out he was a notorious chef who was usually pissed by lunchtime. Whilst Andie was having an x-ray we heard a scream and a crash. The x-ray nurse was going to get him into the right position however much it hurt him!
Anyroadup. We get back to the hotel and now, of course, every single guest knows who we are and wants to know how Andie is and THEN we hear all the stories of falls and slips, how dangerous the tiles are, how scary it is seeing children running on them, how they wouldn’t be allowed in the UK, how small the warning signs are.
So much for a quiet, relaxing, anonymous holiday.
So instead of spending 2 weeks chilling out, watching single clouds scudding across the sky, we spent the time watching the bruise on Andie’s arm get bigger and bigger and turn from blue to black to purple to yellow. I spent 2 weeks watching Andie’s every move, totally unable to relax. Well. I did a bit. I went on a boat trip and, as you may have noticed, I did jump off a cliff.
Big up to Dan King, the local rep, who filed a report and made sure Andie got on the return flight comfortably.
Big BOO HISS to the Hotel Phellos in Kas. Totally unhelpful. I won’t be staying there again! Mysteriously, a whole new section of green matting appeared by the pool on day 2!
Holidays. Get back more knackered and more damaged than when you went!
La Maison R'Chard 